What if On the Head of a Pin
by Katy M VT
Summary: What if Sam remembered the first time he drank demon blood and Dean remembered the first time he tortured.  Part 2 of 2 up.
1. Chapter 1

What if Sam remembered his first time drinking blood and Dean remembered his first time torturing?

"It's been weeks, Ruby. I need more," Sam said.

"You don't sound too happy about it," Ruby feigned a hurt expression.

"You think I want this? This is the last thing I want, but if I'm going to be strong enough to kill Alistair…," he trailed off. It seemed to him he was always trying to justify things that couldn't be justified. Yet he kept on doing them.

"It's OK, Sammy. You can have it," Ruby relented.

Sam realized it was like he was begging her, when the first time, it was just the opposite.

Flashback:

Sam woke up and turned to his side to see Ruby. Had he really had sex with a demon last night? It didn't matter how upset he was about Dean's death. This was inexcusable.

"Hey, Sam," Ruby said, waking up.

"How did I let this happen?"

"It's OK, Sam," Ruby said. She was afraid the sex might have been a mistake. She had hoped that it would make him more compliant, but it might push him away. Sam was hard to judge sometimes.

"No, it's not."

"Sam, I need to tell you something," Ruby said.

"What?" Sam asked, not knowing if he really cared to hear anything Ruby had to tell him.

"There was a reason I wanted to have sex last night. It was all for you. Exchange of demonic bodily fluids will increase your powers. But what will have the most effect is blood. I didn't think you would want to drink my blood, though," Ruby explained.

"You've got that right!" Sam exclaimed. He remembered Yellow Eyes showing him how he had dripped his blood into his mouth that fateful night, so it made sense, but still. There were lines you just didn't cross.

"But Sam, if you want to kill Lillith, this is the only way," Ruby pointed out.

Dean wouldn't like it. Dean would be so disappointed in him. He had made him promise not to use his psychic abilities. It was his dying wish. OK, he hadn't exactly honored it, but he definitely couldn't drink the blood.

"No," he said finally. But Ruby could hear the hesitation in his voice.

"Why don't you just try it once? If you don't like it you never have to do it again," Ruby said, knowing if she could get him to do it once, she was in. Demon blood was more addictive than nicotine. The only reason the babies didn't continue drinking is they had no way of hooking themselves up with more.

Sam considered. There might not be anything wrong with just trying it once. No, what was he thinking. He couldn't do that. Dean sold his soul for him. He couldn't repay him by selling his morals.

"No," he said again.

Ruby was getting desperate. She hadn't expected the shell of a man that she had come to see a few weeks ago to resist her like this. Especially not after last night.

"Fine. If you don't want to kill Lillith and avenge your brother, I understand. But would he?" she asked, trying a different tack.

"He wouldn't want me to do this," Sam replied, positively this time. That's the one thing he was sure in all this. What Dean would want him to do. He just wasn't so sure what he wanted to do, or what he should do.

"That's right. I forgot. You always take Dean's orders," Ruby tried, thinking that at last she might have him.

Ruby was right. He spent his whole life taking orders from his dad, from Dean. They were both gone now and it was up to him to make his own decisions now.

"OK," he said.

"What?" Ruby asked, afraid to believe she had succeeded.

"OK, I'll drink your blood."

Ruby grabbed out a knife and slit her arm before he could change his mind. He knelt down over her and drank. Tentatively at first. It had a tangy taste, slightly different from human blood. It was good. And he was beginning to feel strong. He wished he had been doing this his whole life.

End Flashback

Ruby was right. He did want this. But he would never admit that to her or anyone else. Demon blood was the best thing that had ever happened to him.


	2. Dean and the Torture

"You broke the first seal when you first cut into that screaming bitch," Alistair informed Dean.

Dean thought back to that first day of torturing. It was the worst day of his life/death.

Flashback:

"I'll make you the same offer I make every day. I'll let you off the rack, if you pick up my razor," Alistair said. He could tell Dean was close to saying yes. Yes, it had been thirty years, and a few years ago he had despaired of ever succeeding, but Dean's spirit was broken. Alistair could see that now.

"Yes," Dean whispered. "I'll do it."

"I've got the perfect candidate for you," Alistair said. "She's been here longer than you, but we stopped torturing her when you got here, hoping you would want to do it."

Dean shrugged. It made no difference to him who he tortured. He just wanted to get off the rack. Alistair led him into a different chamber. "Here you go. Torture well or you'll end up back on the rack."

They really only needed him to torture one person to get him to break the first seal, but knowing Dean's self-sacrificial bent, torturing others would be worse torture for him. They would let him continue on as long as he did a good job.

"Mom? What are you doing in Hell?" Dean asked.

"I made a demon deal. It wasn't for my soul, but dealing with demons pretty much excludes you from the attic."

"I can't do this," he said and put the razor down. He couldn't torture his own mother. Alistair had left the room, though, so he could chat for a while until he came back. "So, what was this deal you made?"

"Your father died and I brought him back," Mary began.

Dean had to laugh despite their circumstances. Apparently this was a family tradition. He'd been here thirty years, though, so he was pretty sure Sam hadn't sold his soul to bring him back.

"So, if it wasn't for your soul what was it for?" Dean asked, curious. He didn't know you could bargain with other things, but considering you end up here either way, it didn't seem to make much difference.

"The demon told me he would swing by in ten years for something and that if he wasn't disturbed nobody would get hurt. I still don't know what it was for, but I'm afraid it had something to do with Sam. The demon was in his nursery."

Dean froze, well he didn't freeze, it was hot. Everything that had happened was because of his mother. Because of all the torture he had endured, he couldn't take it anymore. He picked up Alistair's razor and started carving. He enjoyed hearing his mother's screams. This was all her fault.

When he was done, he was ashamed of himself. He tried to apologize to his mother, but she looked away. He wished he didn't have to do this anymore, but he had changed. Now that he had tortured his mother he could torture anyone. But he didn't want to. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

The End


End file.
